Mrs. Butternut

Mrs. Butternut

Two steps forward, one back, two forward, one back… The show is starting again… Hooray!!! Life is Beautiful..!!! Head is turning diagonally up to the left and right as though she was checking the sky for any drops of unwanted rain that could ruin her cherry-red cheeks. Makeup is never missing from her face. “Not even a single cloud should steal an inch of her gorgeous and shiny appearance!” It’s what you would think while observing her slow, careful, but unsteady steps.

Today, her pinkish high heels are almost reaching the height of the trash can on the corner!!! Hooray! Life is Beautiful!!! I can barely keep from laughing loudly. I don’t want to wake up my owner. Rain? Clouds? Nonsense! What she really wants to do is see how many eyes are fixed on her elegant curvy silhouette…

Our window is big enough to allow me to sit comfortably behind the curtain and watch the show…her show…her show off! Honestly, I swear on my favorite meatballs that if given a chance, I would marry her… just to make me laugh. For now, she is the neighbor’s wife…

I have always wondered how she can keep her tail so neatly and precisely curved in the air to avoid touching it on the dirty sidewalk… Dust is her timeless enemy, the devil in disguise as she calls it… She always sees dust everywhere. I assume she stays in the bathtub for hours to remove every single tiny bit of dust from her skin, though she hates water. We all hate it…

Today though, she is not walking on the sidewalk as usual, but in the middle of the street. The cars? She doesn’t care. If more neighbors and passersby can see her, no worries then about the vehicles. After all, “my top doctor with his magic hands will take care of any little injury that may occur,” she will rush to reply… “What a nice excuse for another cosmetic surgery!” she thinks… All is to her advantage. I don’t know how, but she always manages to have everything work to her advantage.

You will mostly see her on the sidewalk, walking proudly as if she strutted the catwalk. She is so funny that designers would die to see her wear their newest creations to attract more attention with her funny walk. Don’t rush, though, to judge her… “There is nothing wrong with a cat walking the CATwalk!” she will quickly reply again, feeding a little more her pride and vanity instantly.

Oh, my! Oh, yours! Oh, his…! Hooray!!! Life is Beautiful!!! There is nothing better for me to see to make my day on a Sunday morning! It’s what always happens when she goes out! Her background? A poor neighborhood in the boroughs where mostly stray cats live and are often involved in crime, finding ways of getting into the houses and eating whatever is left on the table. Crime is thriving there, really! Life smiled at her when a wealthy, handsome cat smiled at her, too. He couldn’t see clearly through the plastic fence of his big carrier, and he thought he liked her so much. Or simply the shot had kept him tranquilized, and he thought he saw his… Snow White! Veterinarian… His owner had taken him to the veterinarian!

That is how it all started…and she is known in the neighborhood as Mrs. Butternut, a poor cat obsessed with the high society lifestyle. Her behavior makes all neighbors laugh at her all the time, and she continually embarrasses her husband, who is a typical, down-to-earth cat. What a shame! For me, what a laughter!

I was uncontrollably laughing throughout the day. It was long ago when she again ended up having an unexpected funny moment (though the unexpected is expected from her every day.) She was taking selfies to show her new outfit. Outfit? Anyway…her new waterproof boots! She had seen a wealthy dog in the neighborhood wear them, and needless to say, she couldn’t sleep until the following morning when she rushed to the nearby pet store—colorful, waterproof, and most importantly, feminine cat boots. The one selfie followed the other, until the paramedics followed, too. Not that she actually needed them. Again, she just wanted to make it an issue. What is better than a bit more attention on a Sunday morning? She fell into a big tin with white paint. Workers were marking the street for an upcoming work the following days. Her face whiter than her favorite white chocolate… not from the paint, but from the shame… She started screaming… not because of the paint, but because of the pain… She was lucky enough to get stuck in the half-filled tin, and only her butt and tail had a few bits of white paint. Her entirely unhealthy diet (deep-fried butternut squash her favorite) had led her to a “fully shaped belly” that prevented her from more trouble, to fall deeper… What is more, her pumped butt (the miracle of cosmetic surgery) had prevented her from the worst crisis, swimming in white paint… She screamed, though, asking for help… The workers, she thought, put on purpose the tin right behind her just to laugh… Her face bloodless… “Ι hurt my butt…! Did I hurt my butt?… oh my God… did I hurt it?” she was constantly asking, worried to death. As for me? My stomach hurt from the meatballs that started dancing due to my loudest laughter ever…!

That is how my Sundays always had a different color! Watching Mrs. Butternut acting on the street or the sidewalk had given new meaning to my life. My owner knew her as well. She always approached the famous for taking some of their stardust… and a selfie, of course. She knew full well how a good network could help her reach her vainglorious goals. She knew… Those moments in the boring events were tiring but great for her to meet new people and use them in her own smart ways. Cats are known to be smart, and at times sneaky.

Her last “successful performance” took place at a charity event. She supposedly went to help homeless cats, but she only cared about being in the spotlight and getting the “CatTv Celebs” Show’s attention of the “Cats today in the U.S.” Channel. Her gown was so tight on her that her… boobs were sticking out that much that she was nearly bending over as though making a bow before the Queen. See-through, and under it nothing… it was trendy. She had seen it on the “CatTV Celebs” Show. To her bad luck, the beautiful dress gives in to its tightness, and all of a sudden, Mrs. Butternut finds herself in the middle of the hall naked and embarrassed to the bone!

I’m sure you are laughing now. Me too! What can I say… that we shouldn’t? Laughter comes so naturally sometimes in life that you can’t stop, even if you should. I’m laughing at her funny performances, but I shouldn’t because I have done the same and even worse, but I didn’t realize it. There were times where I gave my successful “performances” every single second, either directly or indirectly. How can I forget those years where I was rushing to the roof every single day, holding the toilet paper that I stole from my owner, and writing my daily schedule on it? I let it reach the ground so everyone from the floors below could read… “In the morning, I ate delicious pancakes with my owner. At noon, he took me with him to the five-star hotel where he works, where we enjoyed a red snapper with green caviar. In the afternoon, I was invited by the Mayor to the new museum’s inauguration. Oh, poor guys on the floors below that you may struggle to make ends meet. You may not have tasted red snapper for your whole life, and I’m in my own world telling you about green and red caviar! Was it because my owner noticed the missing toilet paper and locked it in the cabinet? Was it because I realized it was not right? At one moment, I stopped doing that. I don’t know; it might also have been my advanced age that made it hard for me to walk up all the stairs to the roof. Or, how can I even forget when I regularly ran to the west room with the huge glass windows, wearing my best clothes (at times almost naked), trying to catch some sun rays so the cats in the buildings around can admire my Greek god-like body? I still wonder how I could do that. Until they called the police accusing me of immorality. What can I say? Can I say that they were wrong? I was standing at the window showing off my pumped body, and then I was desperate when they labeled me an… Or can I forget when my owner took me on his business trips, and when back I couldn’t stop bragging about the sightseeings I enjoyed? I used to grab photos from the album and leave them on my friends’ doormats. Always with a smile on my face leaning to the one side to let the landmarks be seen behind me. Statues of Liberties, Eiffel Towers, Big Bens… I was there, too…! What I understood from that show-off, I really don’t now. Compared to me, Mrs. Butternut is a saint! 

Oh, poor Mrs. Butternut…! she has been sick for long. Many years have passed since I enjoyed her shows outside my home. I miss her. She is not a bad soul. She has simply been lost. No good parents to teach her, no good cat-school to attend, no good teachers. She has been sick, not that much because of her age, but of her big ego and pride. She does not want to accept that she has made mistakes. If only she let her ego go away and become more humble… She would change overnight. Oh, my! She still discreetly lets the bedcover slip a bit to the one side to show her bright red nails… and the logo of her brand new oak bed. Some things never change… Hooray!!! Life is beautiful!!!

Your friend,
Foodie, the cat

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P.S.: Mrs. Butternut’s character is inspired by Madame Sousou… Madame Sousou is the successful main character in Dimitris Psathas’s book “Madame Sousou,” a woman obsessed with the high society’s lifestyle that soon became a favorite character due to her funny daily encounters with her “poor” neighbors. Dimitris Psathas (1907-1979) was a famous modern Greek satirist and playwright who became widely known after publishing the above book. The book soon became one of the most successful T.V. shows in Greece, and later on a theatrical play.